Lets start this episode with Mona and Hanna. Mona is best friends with Hanna, but Hanna best friends with Mona? Not so much. Anyways, Mona is pissed at Hanna because Hanna can’t go to the mall with Mona to find an outfit for something or other. Hanna suggests going the next day when Mona tells her that is the day for her to find accessories. Obviously.
Sticking with Mona we find out that Mona has gotten A messages! Ooooh! This is the first that Hanna has found out about and it’s juicy. WHATDOESHANNADO?!? She keeps her mouth shut because she’s a good friend and doesn’t want A to kill Mona too. #liar
Ashley Marin comes home with groceries to make it seem like her and Hanna actually eat on a regular basis (not just during “Hefty Hanna” moments) but we have a suspicion that Emily will be the one doing the eating in this household.
Spencer decides to open her mouth to Melissa and tell her about their new sibling Jason. Melissa gets a little bit weirded out (remember that she made out with her half brother? Yeah, the Hastings are messed up) but then pulls it together and is all supportive and pregnant. Then she gets the heck outta there before her parents get home, because you know, it would be terrible to see your parents when your an almost-single-mother-whose-husband-killed-himself-and-tried-to-kill-your-sister.
"Why must you always date murderers and people we’re related to? I can’t trust your taste in men anymore. How can I keep making out with your boyfriends when you have such poor judgment? I can’t even turn around to talk to you."
Emily swims for The Sharks! She’s the best. Got it. Paige comes back, with a much better haircut, and wants Emily to put up posters and sell stuff with her because Emily is #THEBEST and EVERYONE will buy something from her. They make googly eyes at each other. Hey Emily, remember when Paige tried to drown you? No. Well, you should.
"Remember that time I held you under the water? And you couldn’t breathe? Romantic, huh?"
Hanna caves and goes to help Mona find a dress for whatever thing she needs it for #thenextday and Hanna is indifferent. Mona gets all sensitive about it and tells Hanna about the A texts. Evidently she has gotten more than one! Shock! Awe! Mona describes A texts as “radioactive texting” which doesn’t make sense but the message is received. Hanna makes a terrified face, just like the one before she got hit by the car. Yikes girls, lets get it together.
Aria and Spencer “The Money” Hastings go to meet creepy Jonah with 2,000 dollars (no, no, not Euros Aria, dollars) and get an address. The Money gets pissed at Jonah the creep and wants a name associated with these A texts, he gets all kinds of cocky and walks away. The Money would have gone further and beaten his face in, but Aria is evidently peaceful and doesn’t let it happen. Lame. As Spencer cools it down, they see Officer Garrett creepin’ on them in the middle of the day. Not even in a cop car. Cut to The Money and Aria frantically texting Hanna and Emily.
Well, you’re obviously not The Muscle.
Ashley cooks and we laugh. The only one who eats in that house is Emily and she isn’t even there. Just Ashley and Hanna, pretending like they’ll eat. Ashley tells Hanna to get the pasta and we wait for Hanna to pull out the lasagna box and through all the cash money that is stored there into the boiling water.
Ezra and Aria call each other. Aria says encouraging things about Ezra going to New Orleans for this job interview like “oh we’ll show my dad!” (Not an actual quote just something paraphrased. Secretly we know that Ezra loves that job he’s interviewing for, how can he not? He wants to teach lots and lots of English and plus he’ll be in New Orleans doing it. All lovers of English long to be be somewhere warm and sunny where they can hide away and read books all day long.)
Then Ella (Aria’s mom) starts to get a handle on what is going on in her daughter’s life. She and Byron have been living in bliss with the idea that their daughter got over dating her teacher so quickly and has jumped onto Holden.
Then we find out that if you try to drown someone it’ll be fine in a few months as long as you thank her because you nearly murdering her really helped you come out of the closet. No big deal. Paige and Emily make googly eyes at each other and bond over Paige’s coming out story. Its really sweet, until you think of that time that Paige tried to kill Emily. Way to go Hanna! Ruining the googly eye moment by texting Emily an always imminent “S.O.S.” text, because that means serious business in the PLL world.
The liars have all congregated in Spencer’s room because apparently it’s confession time! Yay!
Hanna - My mom is kind of a slut.
Spencer - Eww.
Aria - OMG, I think I need to tell them about Ezra. Wait, what are we talking about. Okay, just try to look really shocked and concerned. That’ll work.
Emily - When was the last time anyone saw Maya?
So Hanna tells all the girls about Ashley and Wilden’s tryst in order to cover up her stealing sunglasses. Shock and awe from the girls. Then Aria confesses that she and Ezra are still seeing each other. Shock, awe, pissed off Spencer.
"Seriously Aria? I was just about to print out custom-made "Single Ladies" t-shirts!"
Spencer hates Aria because they were totally bonding over the fact that they had to dump their boyfriends in order to save them from the wrath of A. Awww, bummer Spencer, go wallow about Toby with another friend.
Meanwhile (Hefty) Hanna goes to raid Spencer’s fridge but then realizes that Caleb has sent her a file. Hanna forgets about her hefty roots and calls the girls to open the file, then surprise! Melissa is caught on the notorious video from the night of Alison’s death. The girls freak out, everyone wants to go to the cops except for Spencer, she says she wants to talk to her sister first. Aria does an eyebrow raise to see if Spencer really means it, she does, so they decide not to go to the cops.
Cut to Spencer (who is underage) at a pub where she is meeting her sister, Melissa (who is pregnant). It makes perfect sense for these two to meet at a pub, right? Riiiiight. Oh hey, don’t worry though, Spencer is drinking coffee at the pub. Makes total sense.
Yay! Mona gets a gift! FROM A! A sends her the police report of Hanna stealing the sunglasses making Mona all kinds of angry because Hanna just tried to convince her that stealing is bad. Silly Hanna. Oh A. Oh Mona. At this point a theory arose: Mona is no good, she is a hacker, hacked into the Police Records, just like she did with the principal, and got the police report. Mona has a moral dilemma because A wants her to display Hanna’s police record for the world (Rosewood) to see otherwise Mona will be filling out the same form.
Spencer is sitting at the pub, drinking her coffee, waiting for Melissa. What a great sister. Nerves seem to get the better of her so she steals a shot that the friendly waitress just left right next to her. Oh Spencer, thought you liked uppers (coffee), don’t you know that alcohol is a downer?
#NoWorries #BottomsUp #IMakeCoffeeStrongerThanThis
Don’t worry about it though because Wren the hot, accented (as well as hot-accented) doctor joins Spencer. Spencer tells him that he needs to get away, because she is meeting Melissa and that would be all kinds of awkward if the three of them met up. Melissa walks up to the pub, Spencer sees her, a car honks behind Melissa, Melissa gets in the car with Garrett. Wren then enlightens Spencer with the news that Garrett is in fact taking Melissa to her baby doctor appointments. THEORY: GARRETT IS THE FATHER. THIS CHILD WILL COME OUT LOOKING LIKE A TOTAL CREEPER. Melissa texts Spencer saying her class ran late, oh Melissa, you are not as good of a liar as your sister.
Mona is delusional about A and thinks that it is just someone playing a sick joke so Hanna starts confessional about A with Mona. Hanna avoids most of Mona’s questions and promises to stop A because Mona only has until 10 am until the next day to figure out what to do with her moral dilemma.
Spencer calls Melissa 300 times and each time she doesn’t answer. So now its time to get her drank on with her sisters’ ex-fiancee and guy she made-out with before. That’s totally appropriate.
Ashley cleans up the counter that is never used and sees Hanna’s police report. Oh no! She knows about A now too!
While Spencer is getting drunk with Wren the other girls are following the address that creepy Jonah gave them. They decide to go in the middle of the night but don’t dress in head to toe black, like any sane spy would do. No, instead Aria wears distracting leopard print leggings, because you know, that’ll help them blend in. Anyways Hanna gets the win for this one, because while Aria and Emily fight with the chain Hanna is a genius and just pushes the gate open. #StreetSmarts The girls go up to the house and see mail sticking out of the mail slot, Aria goes to grab it and a scary old man pops up out of nowhere and grabs it from the other side of the door, freaking the crap outta everyone and knocking Aria to the ground. No need to worry though! Aria has retrieved a letter!
Spencer is gettin’ her drank on with Wren and things are getting ridiculous. Spencer is at Wren’s house because British men are gentlemen and take you home to sleep on the couch. Spencer tells Wren about her problems that she has which includes winning at yoga, then she goes and tries to make Aristotle sexy for Wren, but that just isn’t happening.
"Hahaha! You’re British!"
Aria, Hanna, and Emily get back from their adventure with the old man and the mail and you see Aria’s leg bleeding in the grossest way ever. And a close up of her leopard print leggings, neither are cute.
Spencer gets all kinds of #DrunkFeelings for Wren and starts making out with him but ultimately gets shot down, because he’s a gentleman and doesn’t kiss drunk girls. Hey drunk Spencer, WHAT ABOUT TOBY?
Emily is walking around and thinks she sees Maya, so she dramatically runs after her only to find out that it isn’t Maya. How embarrassing. So naturally Emily bumps into Paige (literally) and they talk about their feelings. There are some tears and Paige tries to edge her way in by saying mean things about Maya. More feelings. Paige figures its time for her and Emily to make out but Emily pushes her away because evidently she loves Maya. Lets remind ourselves that Paige tried to drown Emily and Maya is a deadbeat stoner. Emily has the worst taste ever in girls.
While Spencer is sleeping on Wren’s couch the other girls are at school discussing the Mona thing. We find out that Mona does not give into A but instead sticks up for Hanna, and even has to go to the police station and do community service for stealing. Ugh, life is just not fair.
Spencer wakes up on Wren’s couch, looking like she did not get blasted the night before. She isn’t hungover at all #NotFair. Wren tells her that she can sleep on his couch whenever she wants to. Eww. This situation reminds us of a Aria/Ezra inappropriate kind of relationship (you know, the whole statutory rape situation). If Spencer hates her family she should probably just move back in with Aria. That way they’d even be on the same cycle and could be super moody together!
At lunch Mona gets a note from A that was wrapped up in her apple. Creepy. Also, what cafeteria has individually wrapped apples? What happened to saving the environment?
I’d be more impressed if A carved it into the apple.
Hanna sees it and feels bad for Mona, decides to think back to the glamping days and invites Mona to eat lunch with her, Aria and Emily and we learn that through blackmail, friendship can be born.
Ashley brings Hanna’s police report to the police and goes crazy all over Wilden. He tells her he isn’t blackmailing anyone and didn’t take out the report, they lose their minds, and they have a dramatic stare-off, as usual. Mrs. Marin is so good at staring. It is her superpower.
Emily calls Maya 40 more times and its clear that she needs to stop. She loves pot more than Emily and is probably in San Francisco. #WHOKNOWS
Aria picks up Ezra and finds out that he was offered the job in New Orleans. Of course Ezra wants to go, (New Orleans and books? Duh.) Ezra basically breaks up with Aria. Aria starts crying and then full on ugly cried.
Cue the T-Swift music.
At this point we high-fived. Ezra doesn’t care about Aria’s tears and is a stone-faced man, which means he doesn’t love her, so he just gets in his car and leaves.
Aria cries in her bed because she’s just so gosh darn sad, and Ella comes to find out whats wrong. Aria tells her everything, how she loves Ezra but he is taking the job in New Orleans because Byron made it happen. Ugh, Byron, its all your fault! #sarcasm Those underage, illegal relationships are just so complicated, we get it Aria, we get it.
As usual, Spencer’s house is making creepy noises and is the scariest place in Rosewood. Spencer is watching the incriminating video with Melissa in it and Melissa comes over and wants to talk. She refuses to talk at the house because her parents will be there. So naturally, Spencer agrees to leave the house with Melissa and LEAVES HER PHONE (Rule #1 of PLL: Always bring your phone!) and computer on the counter. Is Spencer still drunk? Because these are some poor life decisions she is making.
Ella goes to Ezra’s house and surprise! finds Aria there, even though they broke up. She goes to understand the relationship because she doesn’t want to lose her daughter but you can tell that she’s freaking out a bit.
Aria - “Mom, what is this thing that you keep doing with your hands? This doesn’t do anything.”
Ella - “I’m trying to freeze time. This used to work, I swear.” #Charmed
Ezra - “Oh my God, Aria…your mom is a witch!”
Ashley goes into Hanna’s room and sees the envelope that Aria stole from the scary man. She tells Hanna that the law firm on the return address is the law firm that she used while getting her divorce. THEN she tells Hanna that she used that firm because Melissa was interning there during the summer. THEORY: MELISSA IS A AND/OR KILLED ALISON AND/OR HAD A CRAPPY SUMMER WORKING AT A LAWFIRM.
The cops show up to the Marin house, Emily answers the door and is like “oh hey don’t worry about it, I’ll go get Hanna,” then they’re like “NO. WE. WANT. YOU.” No kidding, but they do want to talk to her and they say mention Maya’s name…
In the end we see A at a firing range and he/she has pretty good aim. Scary.
DUN DUN DUN drama all over the place this episode. Tell us your theories, what did you think? What is going on with Melissa and Spencer? Spencer and Wren? The awkward meeting between Aria, Ezra and Ella? The Paige-Maya-Emily triangle? Mona and Hanna? WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS BUT NO ANSWERS.