This was quite the episode. SO MANY THINGS ARE HAPPENING. We just couldn’t handle it.
So we started the episode in a role-reversal situation, instead of Hanna coming home from the police station, Emily did. All Hanna wanted to do was talk about Emily’s feelings with Maya and fight like girls.
Emily was over it so she stared out at the moon and had some internal #feelings.
Wait…is the universal sign for sadness staring out the window at the moon or staring out the window at the rain?
Oh and look, there’s Melissa and Spencer sitting in a car bonding about how shady Mr. Hastings is and no one is arguing with that sentiment. Melissa also doesn’t believe that her supposed baby daddy (we’re skeptics over here), Ian, killed Ali.
Melissa confessed that she caught Ali flirting with Ian and sent her texts telling her to step off. Could these be the harassing texts that Alison hired Jonah to track? Is that why they came from Melissa’s law firm? Doubtful. Melissa never signed them but their content made it pretty clear who they were coming from. Ali’s not that dumb. #15yearoldgenius
Oh Melissa… Then surprise! Turns out that Melissa told her dad all about Ali flirting with Jason. She says that Mr. and Mrs. Hastings were constantly fighting back then but the fighting stopped the day Ali went missing. She says that Mr. Hastings was relieved when he heard that she was missing.
Theory: Mr. Hastings and Ali were totally sleeping together (after all, he is super handsome).
Mr. & Mrs. Hastings were fighting about this and Melissa totally knew about that. Then he found out that she was flirting with Ian and he got totally jealous. Then one of the three of them killed her. #problemsolved
Then we flash over to Aria’s terrible outfit choice of a leopard skirt with a polka-dot top. What the heck Aria? This is Rosewood not Europe, they don’t get that eclectic in Rosewood.
"You forgot to mention that the skirt is also made of plastic!"
Anyways, Ella comes in and says that she’s trying to process the whole “hot for teacher” situation and thinks that they should keep it a secret from Byron. Yeah, because that will totally work.
Wilden decides that calling Ashley at home is a great idea, and Ashley hates him for it. She makes it very clear that she isn’t sleeping with him. Only when Hanna steals sunglasses. We learn that Hanna’s dad is an ass and bails on her so Ashley is mom of the year and volunteers to go to the Father-Daughter dance with Hanna. Aww, we love her.
"Do mom and dad know you’re watching murder movies? Bet it would kill them to find out." - A
The girls come back together and are freaking out thinking that A is gonna kill their parents. Spencer is relentless on the fact that MELISSA IS NOT A. Then Aria drops the best line of the episode (thanks writers!),
Yep. Pretty much.
They decide not to go to the cops and Spencer promises to stalk out Melissa some more.
Spencer gets a (blood) diamond necklace from Mr. Hastings and it is awwwwkward. Meanwhile Melissa creeps around her parents house and keeps telling Spencer that Mr. Hastings payed off Ali.
Ashley meets up with Wilden and gets into a dark car with him. They talk and mischievously and make a deal to get Hanna’s phone.
Hanna walks around with Mona listening to her complain about her community service. Because you know, when you steal things and you have to do community service, life is over. Then OMG Hanna and Mona spot Wilden and Ashley in their dark mischievous car, yikes, Hanna face is all ohcrapmymomisgonnasleepwithebadcopformeagain. Poor Hanna.
Hanna goes home and confronts Ashley about her reunion with Wilden. Ashley tells Hanna that she needs her phone in order to help her figure out who the heck A is. It is a major “Oh no you di-n’t” moment for Hanna.
"My phone is my life"
Cut to Mike shaving. #adorable
Alright, sidebar here: When did Mike grow out of his angry phase? Are we forgetting that he was breaking into houses? That wasn’t about nothing, was it? No, it’s never about nothing. And now he’s just being a regular guy that practices shaving and dispenses UNCHARACTERISTICALLY GOOD advice.
Shaving = Maturity
Mike keeps it real with Aria and asks her the obvious questions, like why Ezra is worth it, because their relationship is tearing the family apart. Then Aria shows us again that she is delusional about her relationship with Mr. Fitz. He’s clearly just super obsessed with literature and is using you to turn his real life into The Scarlet Letter.
Emily’s (adorable) dad comes to visit her to go to the coveted Father-Daughter dance. She tells her dad all about her stoner girlfriend Maya and their problems. Emily’s dad gives her sound and wise advice. Then we wonder why we don’t see him more often, and fall more and more in love with him.
Mr. Hastings (who is unfortunately creepy and yet so handsome) wants to make sure that Spencer likes her blood diamond. He’s so sensitive. So naturally Spencer sneaks into her dad’s study to find clues about the blackmail.
"Color blocking is the same as camouflage, right? Nobody can see me?"
This reminds us why we love Spencer, she’s just so nosy and intuitive, lookin’ in datebooks and drawers. You go Spencer, you go girl. Then BAM she finds a check stub for $15,000. It was written before Ali died but it’s made out to cash, so it doesn’t prove much. Plus, didn’t Jason say that he found 3 checks for $5,000 each, or are we remembering it wrong? Anyway Melissa catches Spencer in the study, who mumbles something about looking for stamps and scurries away. Spencer bumbles over finding stamps and runs away. Melissa lingers in the study…for a little too long if you ask us.
So Emily and her dad are at the Greyhound Station looking for Maya. Papa Fields commands attention with his Army hat and convinces the ticket man to spill. We learn that Maya bought a ticket to go to San Francisco but she probably didn’t actually get on the train. AND he saw a man in a dark blue or black car come and get her. Ooooh. JASON? GARRETT? #WHOKNOWS
Aria acts like a jerk to Byron. We hate her some more. HE JUST WANTS TO LOVE YOU ARIA. GOSH. Can’t they just bond over their respective teacher-student affairs? THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON IT IS CRAZY!
While Emily is taking a shower Maya calls her, Emily immediately calls her back. Maya’s inbox is completely full, probably from all of Emily’s voicemails. Em, you brought this on yourself, sorry girl.
Ashley grills Hanna more about A and there are tears. Lots of feelings and words. Ashley breaks it down to Hanna, Hanna isn’t feeling it and gets all rebellious on us and throws her phone into a sink of soapy water. #smart If the girls had all one this a long time ago we wouldn’t have any of these problems, now would we?
Oh and hey now its the Father-Daughter dance. Papa Fields is adorable (he comes DRESSED UP IN HIS ARMY UNIFORM!) and he Emily hug. Then he gives her devastating news, he’s going back to Afghanistan, later on that night. Hearts = broken.
Mike is the DJ and HE IS THE BEST AT IT. Playin’ everyone’s favorite 80s tunes.
Aria dances with Byron and IT. IS. TENSE. It hurts to watch but it happened and it is something that cannot be unseen.
Finding herself without her cell phone Hanna substitues a head nod for the usual SOS text and all 4 liars + Mona gather round. Hanna tells them about the police report and her phone and all of this nosiness from her mom and Wilden. Mona has an idea, but says she can’t do it because she’s a bad liar and needs someone else to pull it off.
If you were a bit more introspective it wouldn’t come as a surprise.
Mr. Hastings and Spencer dance (in Spencer’s inappropriate, slutty dress) and she word vomits all over the place, but not before Mr. Hastings lets loose with the phrases “pump up the jams” and “bust a move”. She tells her dad about the check stub for $15,000 that was written out on the day that Ali went missing, they both look concerned.
Aria abandons Byron at the dance and is super mean to him. She gives him the “I’m not your little girl anymore speech” and he’s obviously thinking Well then whose little girl are you?!?!?
Aria says that Hanna has a crisis and needs her support. Byron is skeptical and clearly thinks that she’s going to see Fitz. We hate her and feel bad for Byron, poor Byron, he just doesn’t want his daughter to be in an illegal relationship with her (former) teacher. It must be hard to be a parent these days.
Spencer is outside getting some air when she sees a man drive up to her on a motorcycle, look at her and drive away. Like a responsible guy he’s wearing a helmet but knowing that the only one who would waste gas on her like that she gasps. Oh! Toby!
"I can tell by your helmet shape that you’re my man"
Emily and Papa Fields are adorable, they dance together and bond. They’re the cutest. Papa Fields is the best.
Aria tells Ashley the lie that Mona made up. She confessed to being A.
She says that she made up the police report and sent it to Hanna to make her stop stealing. One look at Ashley’s face and you know that she doesn’t buy it. (Ashley is the best mom and smartest lady on this show, for real you guys, for real.)
Spencer goes home and watches Mr. Hastings go through his desk in the study. And shock! The drawer that was locked before is now open! Mr. Hastings calls the cops to report that his gun had been stolen. Damn, evidently you can conceal and carry in Rosewood. Then Spencer looks at the files on his desk and discovers ONE MILLION pictures of Alison. Yikes girl, you’re dad might be beautiful, but he is a creep.
Byron goes home and talks to Mike to figure out what the heck is going on with Aria. Mike defends the relationship because evidently he forgets punching Ezra and now is well-adjusted and so happy. At the same time, Mike is smart and insightful. We love him.
Drama at the Hastings house gets heavy when Spencer confronts her dad about the Alison pictures. Evidently Mr. Hastings gave that $15,000 to a private investigator he hired to solve Alison’s disappearance because he wanted to make sure that Melissa didn’t have anything to do with it. HOLY CRAP FREAKOUT MINDGRAPES = BLOWN.
Spencer goes up to her room and is looking out the window, when Melissa sneaks up behind her. Spencer is understandably freaked out by the touch of her sister at this point and even more terrified when Melissa tells her she’ll keep her safe. There’s nothing like a creepy pregnant woman who may or may not have killed your best friend and stolen your father’s gun. Nothing scarier than that, my friends.
Ashley calls Ella over to her place to talk about Aria and how she supposedly wrote this police report, but Ashley is THE SMARTEST and just doesn’t buy it. Ashley wants to get the police involved about all of this A business (smartest lady on PLL) but Ella doesn’t think its such a good idea. Then we notice that A’s shadow right outside AND IT IS THE SCARIEST PLL MOMENT EVER.
NIGHTMARES. NIGHTMARES FOR WEEKS.
Could A overhear their conversation? This is never a good sign.
Aria gets a call from everyone’s favorite serial-killer-looking man, Jonah, saying that Vivian Darkbloom was getting texts from more than one number. DUN DUN DUN. But why is Jonah offering up this information now? And for free? He was so stingy with information before. So naturally, the four girls follow the address that he gives to them. They stop in front of store that sells and repairs the creepy Chucky dolls that the girls all got from A. #worstgiftever
Aria apparently doesn’t believe in coats, we don’t know what season it is, but she’s cold and leaves to get a red coat from Spencer’s car. Before she can turn around a man mistakes her for Vivian Darkbloom and she clearly doesn’t know what to do. Aria isn’t very good at decisions, you see.
At the end A doesn’t do anything special at all. The paper is read and the headline is about Maya missing and we’re all duh, we know. Ugh A, you’re ending really disappointed us this time.
Give us your theories, thoughts, and opinions. Especially on slutty dresses and terrible leopard print! What did you think? Isn’t Mike supposed to be angry still? Who was that man who thought that Aria was Vivian Darkbloom? Which Hastings gives you the heeby-jeebies? How is Mr. Hastings so handsome yet oh so creepy?