If These Dolls Could Talk (They’d Scare The Living Daylights Outta You)

Allllright everyone, PLL is getting serious. We’re second guessing absolutely everyone’s actions and everything is absolutely frightening. Good thing there’s only one more episode after this one because we don’t know how long we’ll be able to put on a strong face and act like a show for teenagers isn’t terrifying (Kelly has already given up and hides in a protective shield of blankets during each episode). Anyways, if you fell up to reliving the nightmare, here’s what went on during this week’s episode:

We start off with Spencer zonked out on painkillers and sleeping on the couch. Whose prescriptions are those? Not important. Spencer is very sneaky so they could be anyone’s. She wakes up to find Alison going through the duffel bag containing all of her things and seems to be surprised to see her at first but then they carry out a completely normal conversation.

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Ahhhh!!! Next time call before you come over!

They bond over sharing a brother and then Spencer asks if Ali is still hiding out as Vivian. Still? Has Ali not really been dead this whole time? Has she just been hiding as Vivian Darkbloom? Is Spencer in on it? Between the getting drunk, painkiller usage, and general SLUTTING IT UP that Spencer does, we wouldn’t be totally surprised if she has something to do with Ali’s disappearance. After all, it was Spencer that went looking for Alison when she went missing and all the other girls were asleep.

Anyways, Ali tells Spencer that there’s something important in the bag.

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Umm…you?

That’s a weird word to use, parked. Who says that? Should we be looking out for a creepy person parked in a car? Or is Ali just using a weird slang term and referring to herself? After all, if anything is parked right in front of Spencer at the moment, it is Alison. Is she really dead?

Anyways, Ali takes some painkillers “for the road” and Spencer falls asleep. She wakes up to find that both the pill bottle and house door are open and wonders if it wasn’t all a dream.

Emily and Spencer bond over having seen Alison alive and not knowing if it was real or not. Emily thinks that Ali has been holding their brains hostage until they solve her murder. Spencer just looks freaked out. We suspend our suspicions of Spencer because if she was really in cahoots with Ali then she wouldn’t be telling Emily about her midnight ghost visit.

Emily gets a pissed off text from Maya about how Emily told her parents that she’s been communicating with her. We don’t really care about this and move on to our favorite place in Rosewood…the Marin’s kitchen!

Hanna isn’t smart enough to keep her secret phone on silent so Ashley finds it and gets angry. Hanna says that Mona needs to reach her AT ALL TIMES. Ashley knows how to keep a girl humble though and comes back with this doozy:

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Parenting:  ur doin it rite.

Mona shows up and Ashley invites her to stay the night if she’s so in need of some Hanna time. She gives the phone back to Mona, as though it isn’t just gonna end up right back in Hanna’s hands. Oh Ashley, we thought you were smarter than that.

Aria visits Mr. Fitz (we are refusing to refer to him as Ezra because by calling him Mr. Fitz we hope that it reminds everyone that what goes down in this episode is totally gross and illegal and we do not support it at all and we don’t care how good he is at analyzing The Great Gatsby just get the Cliff Notes and leave the English teachers alone) at Hollis to celebrate him staying in Rosewood. Aria’s dad is out of town but Mr. Fitz seems to be getting the cold shoulder from a few others at the university, including the dean. Ruh-roh.

Jenna is taking off her eye bandage and wants Toby’s face to be the first that she sees. Vomit everywhere. This whole step-sibling Cruel Intentions situation that is going on is totally disgusting. She looks in the mirror and starts to cry but we’re not sure if she can see or not.

Spencer proves her worth by figuring out that Ali and A were communicating through classified ads and were planning to meet up at the creepy doll hospital. A calls Ali “Queen B” in the ads. We love a good Mean Girls reference. Can we get some Janice and Damien up in here?

Jenna and Toby walk up and we applaud Hanna on her directness.

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Q. WWABLD (What Would A Blind Lady Do)? A. Sit on Aria.

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Because if not, I’ll just have to tell you how good I look now.

Jenna says that the surgery didn’t work and we’re skeptical. We’ve always thought that she was lying about being blind but now we REALLY think she’s lying about being blind. We refuse to be wrong about this.

Jenna wants to move on and apologizes for holding a grudge and hating the liars. Umm…they burnt down a shed. With you in it. And it blinded you. And you’re apologizing? Oooookay.

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Like your stepbrother? Hey-oh.

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But it seems like she knows who that person is. Hmm…

Emily still suspects Jenna as being A but the other liars throw around Garrett and Melissa as possibilities. Spencer thinks that Ali found out who A is and that’s why she died. So what do they decide to do? Retrace Ali’s steps. Yeah. Because that seems safe.

Mona gets an A text telling her to break up Hanna and Caleb or risk being a social outcast once again. Whatever. We’re totally distracted by the Ingrid Michaelson song playing in the background. Hanna continues to tell Hanna too much information about how Jenna could be A.

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That’s only her part-time job.

Aria is leaving a note on her mom’s desk when she finds an application to a boarding school in Vermont and gets pissed off. I guess Byron really wants Aria and Mr. Fitz split up no matter what. Hanna doesn’t really care about this and just tells her to figure it out because “Vermont is like Iceland, the sequel.” TRUTH.

They find the owner of the doll hospital and ask her if she keeps records of who she sells the dolls to. She takes them to the basement where there are DOLLS HANGING FROM THE CEILING and a hermit looking boy named Seth.

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Little children are terrifying 75% of the time. Seriously.

We’re getting a Hansel & Gretel vibe from this whole situation, like this old lady could eat them all any second now. Seth says that Ali (as Vivian) came in two summers ago to find out who sold the doll. He told Ali to stop looking because he had a vision of two people that wanted to hurt her. A VISION. HE HAS VISIONS. He says that they had dark hair but that neither was blind. We immediately suspect Melissa and Mr. Fitz and we would also think that maybe it was Garrett but we’re still pretty convinced that he died in last week’s fire. Seth also knows that Ali died of suffocation (breathing in dirt) and it is creepy.

None of this seems to phase Aria, who can only seem to think about herself and Mr. Fitz, so she decides to go back to Spencer’s and have a pizza party. Everyone else looks pretty worried (especially Emily, natch) and Aria tries to comfort them by saying “Guys, seriously, he’s nine years old, he’s never seen the sun, and he probably lives in a cupboard with like 600 dolls.” An awful lot of that statement could also be used to describe Harry Potter so it doesn’t really make it seem like Seth can just be dismissed.

Hanna thinks that the couple who was gonna hurt Ali is Melissa and Ian so Spencer FINALLY confesses that her parents hired a PI to find out if Melissa killed Ali. Melissa worked downtown and would have the opportunity to go to the doll shop any day she wanted. She also tells them that Jason is her brother because, you know, she might as well just spill all the beans.

Aria and Ella have a showdown about boarding school. Aria throws around words like “ruining my life” and Ella seems worried about Aria being bullied by A. Poor Ella. Aria decides that blackmail is her best option and threatens to tell the dean that Byron was sleeping with his grad student. Fathers and daughters. They have so much in common.

Another showdown is going on in the Hastings’ house. Melissa has found Alison’s bag in Spencer’s room and tells her to get rid of it. Spencer shows her the incriminating video of a super angry Melissa looking for Ali on the night she disappeared. Ian, Jenna, and Garrett were there too, just in case you’ve forgotten. Melissa defends all four of them and threatens to release videos of the liars if Spencer goes to the police. What? Is she bluffing? What videos? What are the liars doing in them? Why would the police be interested in them? WHO TOOK THE VIDEOS? So many questions!

Spencer is worried that someone was filming them on the night of The Jenna Thing. Hanna is all up for taking The Hanna Approach to the situation and tricking Melissa into sending an A text so that they have proof that she’s A. Hooray! Let’s do it!

Ella tells Aria that her and Byron have decided not to ship her off to Iceland 2.0 and she tells Aria that she’s ashamed of her. Oh, Ella. So are we. You go girl.

Next up, what we’re going to call Operation: The Hanna Approach is going down. Mona and Caleb park outside of Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes, waiting for Melissa to come out of the nearby delivery store. Emily is across the street to see it all go down.

Caleb is extremely uncomfortable and has clearly gone out of his way to wear an equally uncomfortable sweater. Mona tries to explain why the two of them aren’t close. She talks about how her and Hanna got makeovers and became BFF after Ali died. Basically dead Ali = everything’s coming up Mona. Fishy. She admits to being jealous of Caleb because he gets all the Hanna time. Whoa, watch out Caleb.

Anyway, Melissa comes out of the shop and sees Caleb and Mona kissing in the car, pretending to be a secret couple.

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Fine. I will pet your face but I won’t like it.

Hanna gets an A text about how Caleb is cheating on her and it’s looking like Melissa is indeed A. We’re not completely convinced since A always seems to be everywhere, all the time.

Hanna wants to go to the police immediately but Spencer is still playing the sister card and doesn’t want to go. Hanna gets angry and wonders how much proof will be enough for Spencer.

Hanna:  “What’s next? Rubbing her belly until the baby confesses?”

Emily wants to show Seth the video of Melissa to see if he recognizes her from his vision. So yeah, they go off to do that.

Noticeably absent from all of this very important business is Aria, who is too busy breaking the law with Mr. Fitz. She’s all like “Yay! No more boarding school!” and He’s all “I got fired. I’m leaving!” and we’re all “Ugh. We really don’t want to watch you guys have illegal sex. Please don’t. The internet told us that you will anyway but PLEASE DON’T.”

Luckily that scene ends and we end up in Jenna’s room where Garrett’s car is parked outside her room. There’s that word again, parked. Garrett is the one who is always parked outside. Is he the one that Ali was referring to in the beginning of the episode? Is that really him in his car? We still think that he may have died in that fire.

Anywho, Toby closes the curtains and Jenna gives him a piece of paper that Garrett had given to her. Turns out it is page 5 of Ali’s autopsy report. The missing page that the liars were accused of stealing. Jenna says that she didn’t know what it was and now that she does she is going to the police with it.

Emily, Spencer, and Hanna go to find Seth at the creepy doll hospital. The door is open so they just let themselves in (protip: never go inside if the door is already open). SMART MOVE LADIES. They find a bunch of the voodoo dolls that Ali received and the lights go out. They hear a doll’s voice and decide to find out where it is coming from.

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Does retracing Ali’s steps still seem like a good idea?

There is a doll that looks like dead Alison and then EVERYTHING GOES BEZERK. We see someone looking at them from behind a doll’s mask. The monkey doll starts banging his cymbals, dolls are falling from the ceiling, shelves are falling down and WE DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE OKAY BECAUSE IT IS TERRIFYING!

On a possibly even more disturbing note, Mr. Fitz and Aria are having sex and a cover of Chris Issac’s “Wicked Game” is playing in the background and we’re like we don’t want you to fall in love either and WE ALSO DON’T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.

The other girls who seem to have their priorities straight are packing up all the evidence to bring to the police when Melissa comes home with…Garrett!!! He’s alive! And they’re kissing! Ewww. Is he her baby daddy? We think so. Melissa tells him that there’s no way that Spencer will turn in the video of them to the police and right on cue the police show up to arrest Garrett for the murder of Alison DeLaurentis! Nice.

Next up: twist ending. Not only is Jenna NOT BLIND but she also has cat-like reflexes and uses them for swatting flies.

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How dare you crawl on my mirror I’m not done looking at myself yet!

She gives the mirror an evil grin and we wonder if she turned the autopsy page in because she was angry at Garrett for being with Melissa.

The ending with A shows that the doll hospital owner and Seth were being paid off with money and lollipops and maybe none of what they said is the truth. Ugh. We hate it when that happens. If there wasn’t a vision of a dark haired couple trying to hurt Alison then we’re back where we were before this episode even aired. This is just like when Heidi Klum says that only three people are going to Fashion Week and then they end up taking four anyway and you’re like “Why did I waste the last hour watching this episode if they didn’t even kick anyone off! Oh well, at least Tim Gunn was there.” Oh well. At least Ashley was awesome in this episode.

Well, there you have it. Are you all ready for next week aka A Day? Be prepared, we hear that it is just as scary as this episode was. Bake some cupcakes and make it a Hefty Hanna celebration! That’s what we’ll be doing! Check back here before next Monday for another blog post that summarizes all of our theories before the identity of A is finally revealed! And please follow us on twitter @ahotpieceofA because we’ll be live-tweeting the finale!